I decided to write this particular addition to my blog because I feel this subject is too important not to talk about. You cannot discuss this subject without starting with the best approach, which is always God’s. After all, He created us, and everything else. He wrote one Book, that explains everything you need to know, including the purpose of all creation, and the purpose of you being alive. If you don’t know what that is, you need to read the Book – more than once. God doesn’t just suggest what to do regarding your wife, He commands it in Eph 5:25; “Husbands, love your wives”. Unfortunately, most men not only self-interpret that verse, but quantify their love for their wife based on how they judge their wife is doing with Eph 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands”. If you ever quote Eph 5:25, quote all of it. It says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it”. Men, it’s lucky for us Christ didn’t love us based on our conduct… so don’t expect that of your wife! And guys, if you thought things couldn’t get worse between you and your wife, using that self-righteous approach is not only pathetic and unscriptural, it will makes a bad situation worse.
Most women would be excited if their man would simply obey Eph 5:28 – and love her like they love themselves – and with some men that is a lot of love!
I was very much in love with my wife when we were married in 1978. And I can say this without hesitation; I am more in love with my wife today than when we were first married. Yes, she has changed and is many years older than when we first married. But she has something that no other woman has or could have. When I look into her eyes I see my three wonderful children that I love dearly. I see my wife’s laughter in the laughter in my children and grandchildren. And I see the woman who loves me, even though she knows everything about me. There is no woman on this planet who could possibly replace her!!
Because married life can get hectic, especially when your children are young, here are a couple of things that might be of help to other husbands.
Compliments.
It seems ridiculous to have to talk about this. But, many men simply don’t understand how important this is, and I am the first to raise my hand. As a man, you appreciate getting a compliment from your boss. You appreciate getting a compliment from a co-worker. You like to know that you are doing a good job at whatever it is that you do. It’s human nature. We all want to do well at what we do. We like being around people who tell us we are doing well. Of course, your wife feels the same way. If she is a stay-at-home-mom, you are the only one who can make her feel good about what she does. And if she is a working mom, it is not a good idea that someone else is the only one who makes her feel worthwhile by complimenting her.
Here is the problem. True compliments won’t come out of you if you are not paying attention. I realize this is not easy for men. Gentlemen, try to keep this in mind; when you have children, life gets hectic. Getting meals ready, keeping the house clean, and keeping the kids clean, is not easy for anybody. A wonderful marriage is about working together.
Your wife likes to know what you like. Complaining to her about what you don’t like is not what I’m talking about. Tell her what you like about her. She may not know. Maybe you like hearing her sing while she is busy, or maybe you like it when she holds your arm while you are walking together. Or maybe you like it when she simply lays her head on your shoulder while you are sitting together. Think about the things she does that you like and just tell her – she’ll appreciate knowing.
Date Night.
This was a once a week special night that I took my wife out. It was something we put on the calendar and got a babysitter for. She looked forward to it, I looked forward to it, and the kids even looked forward to it. It wasn’t about spending a lot of money; it was about spending time together. When we could go out for a nice meal, we did. When all we could afford was eating Wal-Mart deli chicken in the Wal-Mart parking lot, we did that (and we laughed about it). Sometimes we didn’t have any money – and we went to the park, the lake, downtown, or wherever. The point was going somewhere together and talking (and not about either one of your miserable work days). We’d talk about the previous week and about the coming week. A couple hours once a week isn’t too much time to devote to your wife, is it? If you are too busy to do this, than this is probably more critical than you can imagine! Look at it this way, if your boss told you that 50% of your paycheck every week was dependent upon you spending from 6 PM to 8 PM every Friday night doing a special job for him, you would mark every calendar you had, weeks ahead of time, you would always make sure you kept that time open, you would move heaven and earth to get those two hours done, because it would be that important. If you had that situation with work, your wife would know that it was important to you – because of the effort you made to keep those appointments and never forget them. She knows what things are important to you, and she knows if those things are more important than her. So, if she asks to spend time with you, don’t hammer her down with those old guilt lines like, “I have to work to put food on the table!”, or she will eventually stop asking (and men, that is a bad thing that will get worse). Harsh words never work (DUH), and men aren’t the only ones who can have a bad day! Compassion is a good thing. Work can be tough – communicate with your best friend about everything.
You taking the initiative and making it happen will remind her of that part of you that she fell in love with years ago. Taking no initiative may make her wonder why on earth she ever fell in love with you in the first place.
Maybe you think you enjoy your work (or ministry) more than you enjoy time with your wife. If you feel this way, let me be the first to tell you, this is a bad problem that needs to be fixed. And trust me on this, she knows it. This is a touchy area – especially if you are in the ministry. And I am NOT saying that you should love your family more than God. But please carefully consider these two thoughts;
(1) God never intended you to lose your children or your wife, because of your work/ministry – because with your prayers, He can solve any problem, including time. And that may be changing jobs (prayers can make a lot of things happen).
(2) Your life priorities should always be:
1-God, 2-wife, 3-children, and 4-work/ministry (don’t confuse the order here).
Wealthy men on their death beds never talked of the great deals or the large amounts of money they made. When death was at their door, they said they wished they would have spent more time with their family. Because they realized too late, at the end of life, that “who accumulated the most stuff” means nothing to God when you die. It is and always will be your family that are God’s greatest treasures that He gives you on this earth. Be smart; don’t wait until the end, after you lose your family, and figure out that truth.
Your greatest friend on this earth should be your wife, the mother of your children. If she isn’t, she can be with enough unselfish effort from you. Is she perfect? Nobody is. And you probably could easily point out her “weaknesses”. But then, what if God put you both on the world stage and listed each of your “weaknesses” before the whole world… how do you think you would fare? You don’t need to answer that question. Just follow God’s commandment to love your wife – and leave the judging to Him.
And by the way, making the effort to make your wife your best friend, is not only pleasing to God, but gives you that sweet relationship God intended for marriage.
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